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2/3/2025

Rachel

02/03/2025


dear reader,


im finding it difficult to think :maybe:


im finding it difficult to find

the words

the actions

without

:maybe:



i wanna talk about semantics


i wanna talk about the importance of the words we use


the words we use matter

the way we phrase things


with others,

as much as within ourselves

with our self talk


the words that run through our mind's ticker tape


consider there is another side to you that is yearning

that requires rest

that requires


i have been feeling a kind of depression and have been sleeping so much.


its hard to think :maybe:

its hard to see the light

buried under the cracks


to see :maybe:



its hard not to be hard

and reactive

its hard to convince the mind and ego to rest

when feeling anxious

its hard to stay focused

on the :maybe: next


its hard to find newness

without :maybe:


its hard to stay above it

(whatever your 'it' is)

to construct the language

around the Self

to frame it



i'm grateful to feel anything at all

after the fall


thats the point in the narrative i feel as though i am-


after the fall


flipping over

onto my back

spitting up blood

after hitting the ground

after an impact


the sensation of coming to


after so much has been shut down to survive


and i find myself in a fragile state


i'm hurt

wounded

injured

and unsure

about how to move now


not quite to

:maybe:



the more you say

the larger you can expand


this is how to use the impact


flipping over onto my back

feeling the blood rush

feeling all our bodies do

without recognition


when a douglas-fir touches roots with another tree,

the roots fuse together

to create an expansive neural-esque network


when a douglas-fir knows death is approaching,

it sends out all of it's resources and energy

to the others it is fused to

without a thought to heal itself

or conserve selfishly


a douglas-fir focuses on the collective health of the forest*


depression gets in the way

negative mental patterns

it stops the flow of breathe

(panic attacks)


allow your body and mind to work

to do the work they know


to be fragile


allow requirements to surface

allow these requirements the space they require


to notice

with each inhale

the space we take

with each exhale

the space we give


allow for quiet and deep contemplation

as a form of rest

of sending it out

(whatever your 'it' is)



my buddy sage is from hawa'ii. one day while weeding, she was telling me the history of her culture and birthplace. how a shared breathe is a greeting.


nose to nose

to breathe in together

to breathe out together

to frame the moment holding elbows


sage told me this ten years ago.



there's a connection i see between the amazon, the poetic lungs of this planet, and all the ways it's role is changing

and all the ways we now need to breathe for this planet

for each other

for the future

for the maybe's

for the fragile ones


you are never alone

we are fused


i to you

you to me

us to us


i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it

i know it


from the bottom

of everything


with a firm and patient grip,

as a friend for the end of the world,




*i kept thinking how if the overstory by richard powers was required reading in america, it would change america. so i wrote one of my favorite quotes on my backpack. small acts



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