02/03/2025
dear reader,
im finding it difficult to think :maybe:
im finding it difficult to find
the words
the actions
without
:maybe:
i wanna talk about semantics
i wanna talk about the importance of the words we use
the words we use matter
the way we phrase things
with others,
as much as within ourselves
with our self talk
the words that run through our mind's ticker tape
consider there is another side to you that is yearning
that requires rest
that requires
i have been feeling a kind of depression and have been sleeping so much.
its hard to think :maybe:
its hard to see the light
buried under the cracks
to see :maybe:

its hard not to be hard
and reactive
its hard to convince the mind and ego to rest
when feeling anxious
its hard to stay focused
on the :maybe: next
its hard to find newness
without :maybe:
its hard to stay above it
(whatever your 'it' is)
to construct the language
around the Self
to frame it
i'm grateful to feel anything at all
after the fall
thats the point in the narrative i feel as though i am-
after the fall
flipping over
onto my back
spitting up blood
after hitting the ground
after an impact
the sensation of coming to
after so much has been shut down to survive
and i find myself in a fragile state
i'm hurt
wounded
injured
and unsure
about how to move now
not quite to
:maybe:

the more you say
the larger you can expand
this is how to use the impact
flipping over onto my back
feeling the blood rush
feeling all our bodies do
without recognition
when a douglas-fir touches roots with another tree,
the roots fuse together
to create an expansive neural-esque network
when a douglas-fir knows death is approaching,
it sends out all of it's resources and energy
to the others it is fused to
without a thought to heal itself
or conserve selfishly
a douglas-fir focuses on the collective health of the forest*
depression gets in the way
negative mental patterns
it stops the flow of breathe
(panic attacks)
allow your body and mind to work
to do the work they know
to be fragile
allow requirements to surface
allow these requirements the space they require
to notice
with each inhale
the space we take
with each exhale
the space we give
allow for quiet and deep contemplation
as a form of rest
of sending it out
(whatever your 'it' is)
my buddy sage is from hawa'ii. one day while weeding, she was telling me the history of her culture and birthplace. how a shared breathe is a greeting.
nose to nose
to breathe in together
to breathe out together
to frame the moment holding elbows
sage told me this ten years ago.
there's a connection i see between the amazon, the poetic lungs of this planet, and all the ways it's role is changing
and all the ways we now need to breathe for this planet
for each other
for the future
for the maybe's
for the fragile ones
you are never alone
we are fused
i to you
you to me
us to us
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
i know it
from the bottom
of everything
with a firm and patient grip,
as a friend for the end of the world,

*i kept thinking how if the overstory by richard powers was required reading in america, it would change america. so i wrote one of my favorite quotes on my backpack. small acts