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1/17/2025

Rachel

01/17/2025


dear reader,


if you hate it so much when people use phrases like 'i see your wheels turnin', then maybe don't make it so obvious.

what i'm thinking about are actually 'if thens' and how weird and abusive i have been within them.

sharp turn there.

do you mind?

mind over matter. cmon.

i'm thinking about all the things I've been thinking about but not writing down like i'm afraid to tell you. as if i could ever be afraid to tell you. as if you aren't already there.

i'm thinking about all of the connections that are being made as the lense zooms back in to a domesticated life.

i'm thinking about all of the connections along the way

i'm thinking about the hits that just don't seem to quit


i'm thinking about how abusive i've been.



the allowance at the root

might be the mental illness itself

this is all i'm capable of being


and there's weight to be lifted there


the momentum of changing directions

of flipping something over


i'm back to my natural state of living without internet. previously, npr was my connection to the outside world. i'd have it on all the time. and one day, i heard a piece of a segment discussing older retirement age folks getting shoved out of the workforce. discussing that because of the growth we are experiencing in every direction, if someone wasn't at a certain point by a certain point (someone who upgraded from a flip phone to an iPhone in 2021), it's impossible to then catch up.


and there's weight to be lifted by this idea of letting go


fine i'm left behind

fine i now get to build it my own way


the release in the realization

that i set the pace


because this is all i'm capable of

and it's more than enough to be grateful for


the creation is more important than the reception

if it's enough for you,

then it's enough for us


and if it isn't enough

if it keeps boring down

(wh(o)atever your it is)

into you

for more,


that's abusive.



find it

flip it

observe it


see if it starts moving in the opposite direction

from that point

where science and philosophy

intersect


with a big smiley sigh

full of hasty behavior,


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